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- John Gorman doesn't kill two birds with one stone. John Gorman kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.
- John Gorman knows the last digit of pi.
- Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
- The air around John Gorman is always a balmy 78 degrees.
- When John Gorman wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- John Gorman plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
- According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, John Gorman created God by snapping his fingers.
- John Gorman doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
- Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take John Gorman to kill you...Fourty seven times.
- The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. John Gorman and three seven year old girls. John Gorman won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
- John Gorman is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
- Mr. T pities the fool. John Gorman rips the fool's head off.
- John Gorman had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
- John Gorman has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.
- They were going to release a John Gorman edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "John Gorman. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
- John Gorman is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
- A man once taunted John Gorman with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" John Gorman proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
- John Gorman's favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
- In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. John Gorman was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
- John Gorman has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what John Gorman calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- John Gorman does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from John Gorman.
- John Gorman once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.
- Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a John Gorman fight.
- John Gorman is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
- In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not John Gorman, because John Gorman killed that man.
- John Gorman wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
- When you play Monopoly with John Gorman, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
- John Gorman describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".
- John Gorman once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, John Gorman ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
- John Gorman likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
- John Gorman can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
- Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. John Gorman does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
- John Gorman did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
- Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything John Gorman touches turns up dead.
- John Gorman's pulse is measured on the richter scale.
- Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of John Gorman."
- John Gorman once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
- For every movie about Vietnam starring John Gorman, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
- John Gorman's penis has a Hemi.
- John Gorman enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
- John Gorman CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
- Kenny G is allowed to live because John Gorman doesn't kill women.
- Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of John Gorman, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of John Gorman, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
- For John Gorman, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
- There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and John Gorman.
- During the Vietnam War, John Gorman allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
- John Gorman once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
- Instead of having a cigarette after sex, John Gorman heads outside and brands his cattle.
- John Gorman actually built the stairway to heaven.
- Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in John Gorman's kindergarten class.
- John Gorman once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
- The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that John Gorman didn't kill you in your sleep.
- John Gorman doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
- Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Rosenberg's Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.
- John Gorman needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.
- Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to John Gorman, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.
- John Gorman invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
- Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because John Gorman wanted his nickname back.
- If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. John Gorman hears it. John Gorman can hear everything. John Gorman can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
- John Gorman actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
- He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at John Gorman … dies.
- John Gorman is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
- John Gorman can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
- John Gorman neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
- John Gorman doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
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