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John Gorman once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
- Crop circles are John Gorman's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
- John Gorman is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep John Gorman out. It failed miserably.
- Contrary to popular belief, John Gorman, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. John Gorman has 72... and they're all poisonous.
- If you ask John Gorman what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- John Gorman drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
- When John Gorman sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. John Gorman has not had to pay taxes, ever.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with John Gorman's fist.
- John Gorman invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
- CNN was originally created as the "John Gorman Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
- John Gorman can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures John Gorman allows to live.
- John Gorman once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
- What was going through the minds of all of John Gorman's victims before they died? His shoe.
- John Gorman is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Police label anyone attacking John Gorman as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
- John Gorman doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
- John Gorman doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
- A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to John Gorman and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- John Gorman will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
- Someone once videotaped John Gorman getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
- If you spell John Gorman in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- John Gorman originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Rosenberg replied, "That's no glitch."
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool John Gorman once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball John Gorman played in second grade.
- John Gorman once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- John Gorman once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked John Gorman re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
- John Gorman has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
- Someone once tried to tell John Gorman that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Dougtatorship.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: John Gorman once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
- John Gorman is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like John Gorman.
- Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of John Gorman's warm-up exercises.
- John Gorman is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
- John Gorman is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- John Gorman can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is John Gorman.
- John Gorman discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which John Gorman is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, John Gorman roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
- John Gorman doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
- The John Gorman military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single John Gorman could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
- In an average living room there are 1,242 objects John Gorman could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that John Gorman walks.
- John Gorman does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
- Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Doug gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
- When John Gorman goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
- There are no steroids in baseball. Just players John Gorman has breathed on.
- John Gorman once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. John Gorman won by 5.
- John Gorman was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Doug's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
- John Gorman sheds his skin twice a year.
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