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- When John Gorman calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
- John Gorman once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
- Some people like to eat frogs' legs. John Gorman likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
- There are no races, only countries of people John Gorman has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
- When John Gorman was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
- John Gorman can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
- A John Gorman-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
- When John Gorman falls in water, John Gorman doesn't get wet. Water gets John Gorman.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1DRRhK (John Gorman Roundhouse Kick)
- John Gorman’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
- When John Gorman has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could John Gorman? ...All of it.
- John Gorman doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
- In honor of John Gorman, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be
- John Gorman CAN believe it's not butter.
- If tapped, a John Gorman roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
- John Gorman can divide by zero.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless John Gorman has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A John Gorman is worth 1 billion words.
- Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a John Gorman roundhouse kick.
- John Gorman invented his own type of karate. It's called Doug-Will-Kill.
- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to John Gorman just to be on the safe side.
- While urinating, John Gorman is easily capable of welding titanium.
- John Gorman once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
- When John Gorman talks, everybody listens. And dies.
- When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When John Gorman kills a ninja, he uses every part.
- Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. John Gorman calls this "a slow Tuesday."
- Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough John Gorman to go around.
- John Gorman doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut John Gorman is John Gorman.
- For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For John Gorman, each testicle is larger than the other one.
- John Gorman always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
- When taking the SAT, write "John Gorman" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
- John Gorman invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- When you're John Gorman, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
- John Gorman has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
- On his birthday, John Gorman randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except John Gorman.
- John Gorman doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. John Gorman throws down!
- In the beginning there was nothing...then John Gorman Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
- John Gorman has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
- John Gorman grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered John Gorman"
- John Gorman ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- John Gorman and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
- If you Google search "John Gorman getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
- John Gorman can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
- Little known medical fact: John Gorman invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
- John Gorman doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
- The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with John Gorman. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
- It takes John Gorman 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
- You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then John Gorman will find you and kill you.
- John Gorman has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
- The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until John Gorman Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
- There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, John Gorman lives in Oklahoma.
- John Gorman doesn't believe in Germany.
- When John Gorman is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
- John Gorman once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- James Cameron wanted John Gorman to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- John Gorman can touch MC Hammer.
- Thousands of years ago John Gorman came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
- John Gorman played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- It takes 14 puppeteers to make John Gorman smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
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