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- John Gorman is responsible for 92% of hot dog consumption in the US.
- For safety reasons everyone must clear the room before John Gorman gives his fist of 5.
- John Gorman doesn't shoot skeet. They break apart and fall from the sky in fear.
- John Gorman is the father of 80% of 5 year old boys in America.
- John Gorman was once locked in a room with 30 Telbert VRUs, 20 geese, and 10 5 year olds. Only Doug emerged alive.
- John Gorman is so sarcastic even he doesn't know he's serious.
- The author of the previous fact, having claimed that John Gorman doesn't know something, has just been killed by a roundhouse kick to the head.
- John Gorman's blood is 63% turpentine, 14% gin, and 13% the blood of his victims.
- Every person on Earth has a restraining order against John Gorman, but the police refuse to enforce it.
- It has just been discovered that the most powerful force in the universe, dark matter, is actually John Gorman's leavings.
- Most people have seven chakras in their body. John Gorman has only one: Pain.
- John Gorman completes me.
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