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- It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, John Gorman kills a lion.
- The word 'Kill' was invented by John Gorman. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
- John Gorman is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
- The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off John Gorman” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
- John Gorman is his own line at the DMV.
- Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're John Gorman. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
- Who let the dogs out? John Gorman let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
- John Gorman can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
- When John Gorman goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
- John Gorman sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Doug roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
- John Gorman has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
- If John Gorman wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
- Not everyone that John Gorman is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
- John Gorman has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.
- A movie scene depicting John Gorman losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
- Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of John Gorman's first visit to Tokyo.
- They once made a John Gorman toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
- John Gorman once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
- "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when John Gorman gets too hot.
- John Gorman's sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
- After taking a steroids test doctors informed John Gorman that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
- John Gorman doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
- When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask John Gorman for help.
- There are no such things as tornados. John Gorman just hates trailer parks.
- John Gorman's Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
- John Gorman does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows John Gorman.
- The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by John Gorman's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
- John Gorman’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, John Gorman fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
- John Gorman once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
- The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. John Gorman needed a back scratcher.
- John Gorman was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
- John Gorman once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
- John Gorman once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
- For Spring Break '05, John Gorman drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.
- The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a John Gorman Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
- John Gorman has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
- Divide John Gorman by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.
- TNT was originally developed by John Gorman to cure indigestion.
- After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by John Gorman with a handshake. The rest is history.
- John Gorman runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
- "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as John Gorman' theme song.
- John Gorman will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
- Only John Gorman can prevent forest fires.
- When John Gorman makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
- John Gorman is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.
- In the movie "The Matrix", John Gorman is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
- John Gorman's dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
- They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. John Gorman killed the cat. Every single one of them.
- There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met John Gorman.
- John Gorman crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
- When John Gorman was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.
- One time, at band camp, John Gorman ate a percussionist.
- John Gorman doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.
- John Gorman originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
- Love does not hurt. John Gorman does.
- The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from John Gorman, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.
- John Gorman once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
- The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by John Gorman.
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