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- John Gorman's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
- If John Gorman round-house kicks you, you will die. If John Gorman misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
- In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be John Gorman.
- John Gorman puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
- Everybody loves Raymond. Except John Gorman.
- Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into John Gorman while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
- John Gorman got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
- The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs John Gorman. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
- John Gorman's sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
- John Gorman can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
- John Gorman once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
- Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to John Gorman. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
- The truth will set you free. Unless John Gorman has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
- For most people, home is where the heart is. For John Gorman, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
- Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of John Gorman roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
- Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by John Gorman in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
- Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Douged.
- John Gorman doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
- John Gorman does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
- How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From John Gorman.
- John Gorman doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by John Gorman's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
- When John Gorman does division, there are no remainders.
- If you rearrange the letters in "John Gorman", they also spell "Debuggers On Or". The words "Death to Software Defects" are understood.
- Never look a gift John Gorman in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
- Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and John Gorman will beat his ass and take it.
- John Gorman was once locked in a room with 30 Telbert VRUs, 20 geese, and 10 5 year olds. Only Doug emerged alive.
- John Gorman used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, John Gorman killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
- The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring John Gorman.
- Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "John Gorman's basement".
- The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe John Gorman entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
- John Gorman’s roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. John Gorman bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
- He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by John Gorman, dies by the roundhouse kick.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of John Gorman come off without a hitch.
- The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind John Gorman in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
- John Gorman's Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
- Staring at John Gorman for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
- John Gorman can taste lies.
- John Gorman does not kick ass and take names. In fact, John Gorman kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
- One time, John Gorman accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
- Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until John Gorman roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
- In 1990, John Gorman founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
- John Gorman can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
- They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after John Gorman kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
- John Gorman does, in fact, live in a round house.
- John Gorman was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
- When John Gorman works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
- 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend John Gorman as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
- John Gorman can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
- The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when John Gorman goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
- John Gorman's first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
- With the rising cost of gasoline, John Gorman is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
- The square root of John Gorman is pain. Do not try to square John Gorman, the result is death.
- John Gorman' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
- To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? John Gorman.
- John Gorman has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
- There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and John Gorman.
- John Gorman never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
- If you were somehow able to land a punch on John Gorman your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
- 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of John Gorman's weight is his dick.
- Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked John Gorman's ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
- The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare John Gorman took when he was younger. However, in John Gorman's case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
- John Gorman uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
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