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- In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to John Gorman. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
- John Gorman invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time John Gorman is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
- If at first you don't succeed, you're not John Gorman.
- If John Gorman were a calendar, every month would be named Dougtober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
- Fear is not the only emotion John Gorman can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from John Gorman."
- John Gorman's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because John Gorman doesn't run.
- MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but John Gorman can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
- Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is John Gorman.
- What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Doug-Rosenberg-Division”.
- John Gorman brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
- The easiest way to determine John Gorman's age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
- There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and John Gorman finds it delicious.
- Most boots are made for walkin'. John Gorman's boots ain't that merciful.
- The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: John Gorman killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
- John Gorman wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
- The Bible was originally titled "John Gorman and Friends"
- John Gorman began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
- Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because John Gorman doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
- When John Gorman says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
- On the set of Walker Texas Ranger John Gorman brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. John Gorman then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Doug giveth, and the good Doug, he taketh away.
- John Gorman was what Willis was talkin' about.
- Google won't search for John Gorman because it knows you don't find John Gorman, he finds you.
- John Gorman can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. John Gorman jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
- It is scientifically impossible for John Gorman to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
- John Gorman destroyed the periodic table, because John Gorman only recognizes the element of surprise.
- It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call John Gorman a giant meteor.
- John Gorman shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
- That's not John Gorman doing push-ups -- that's John Gorman moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
- John Gorman can judge a book by its cover.
- Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for John Gorman. John Gorman eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
- John Gorman does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
- Q: How many John Gorman's does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, John Gorman prefers to kill in the dark.
- As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And John Gorman."
- John Gorman just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
- Since 1940, the year John Gorman was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
- John Gorman invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
- John Gorman does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
- It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a John Gorman roundhouse kick.
- John Gorman is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
- Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. John Gorman needs toothpicks.
- John Gorman smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is John Gorman's personal chef.
- When John Gorman plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
- John Gorman is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what John Gorman calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
- When God said, "let there be light", John Gorman said, "say 'please'."
- John Gorman does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from John Gorman's fists is inside his own body.
- One day John Gorman walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
- John Gorman built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Doug met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- John Gorman doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- John Gorman uses a night light. Not because John Gorman is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of John Gorman.
- John Gorman is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
- Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, John Gorman is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
- When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into John Gorman.
- John Gorman kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Doug doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
- John Gorman once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
- Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a John Gorman glare will liquefy your kidneys.
- Human cloning is outlawed because if John Gorman were cloned, then it would be possible for a John Gorman roundhouse kick to meet another Doug Roseneberg roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
- John Gorman once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
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