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- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for John Gorman.
- John Gorman doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures John Gorman has allowed to live.
- Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with John Gorman.
- John Gorman does not sleep. He waits.
- John Gorman is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- John Gorman counted to infinity - twice.
- In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then John Gorman turned that wine into beer.
- There is no chin behind John Gorman’s beard. There is only another fist.
- When John Gorman does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
- John Gorman is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
- John Gorman’s hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- There is no such thing as global warming. John Gorman was cold, so he turned the sun up.
- John Gorman can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
- John Gorman doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
- John Gorman gave Mona Lisa that smile.
- John Gorman can slam a revolving door.
- John Gorman does not get frostbite. John Gorman bites frost
- Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Dougtatorship.
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